Surrendering to Grief and Loss through Yoga

Published on January 20, 2015

One of the most powerful lessons yoga teaches us is the art of surrender—the art of letting go. Using yoga to practice surrendering—whether it be to physical sensations or psychological challenges—can manifest powerfully beyond our mats. Knowing how to let go into the present moment can imbue our lives with transformative power, especially during times of grief or deep emotional turmoil.

Not long ago, I found myself faced with a profound test of surrender. With aging parents increasingly unable to care for themselves independently, I recently had to pack up their home—a lifetime of living and collecting—to relocate them closer to me. The exercise demanded ruthless downsizing. I was moved to tears, and at times paralyzed, forced to make decisions on each and every one of their possessions: Do they need it? Was it valuable? Why were they holding on to it in the first place?

The sobering realization that sooner than later one of them would probably pass crushed my soul.

Few things test our resolve to surrender more than death. For some people, fear of losing a loved one or facing our own mortality can be paralyzing. So unfathomable is the idea of “not being” or “not being with” that we avoid the topic at all costs. And when grief strikes by loss of a parent, partner or child, we can be overtaken by sorrow, wondering how to go on, as if their absence reveals a deep void in our souls.

If you have ever had to clear out the home of a loved one who is ill or has passed away, you have encountered that same human tendency to hold on to things that no longer serve us. We fill our closets and drawers with mementos, our basements and garages with rusty, broken items, convinced that we can’t live without them. We accumulate this ‘stuff’ over a lifetime—emotional and physical, as well as the trinkets and widgets we buy at the mall year after year. We’ll need them sooner or later, we tell ourselves.

Though perhaps not as dramatic facing the death of a loved one, letting go can also be daunting on our mats, especially during challenging postures. We often greet physical provocations by freezing up and holding our breath, severely limiting our physical, emotional and energetic strength and flexibility. We may struggle with Eka Pada Rajakapotanasana (One-Legged King Pigeon Pose), with hips rigid from years of storing emotional rubbish while resisting prompts to release. We approach backbends like Urdhva Dhanurasana (Upward Bow Pose) with timidity, holding on to our fears and doubts rather than letting go and offering our bodies the pliability needed to open our hearts and view the world from a different perspective.

Yoga commands us to let go, to surrender. To release attachments to that which we do not need. The fifth yama, aparigraha, instructs us to release our attachment to our possessions. Aparigraha—non-coveting and non-hoarding—can also be applied to our attachments to our occupation, title and accomplishments. And it most certainly applies to our attachment to our bodies.

Yoga instructs us to endeavor to keep ourselves, our bodies and our homes, clean. Shaucha, or cleanliness, the first of the niyamas, speaks on the importance of purity in our quest to connect with our divinity. We learn soon enough that no matter how diligently we work to keep the body clean, we must do it again and again, for cleanliness is a state of impermanence. The body will become soiled again; our homes will once again need a cleaning. Such is the same of our hearts and minds.

Every time we step onto our mat, we’re offering ourselves the opportunity to welcome the practice of pratyahara. This fifth limb of yoga means to withdraw our senses from the outer world. During a state of pratyahara, we release our clinging to the external world; we let go of the need to touch, see, hear or feel anything beyond our true essence. In this state of surrender, we are not concerned with how a pose looks, whether our hips are tight—and as if by magic—our hearts become free to open. We no longer need mementos and items of lost loved ones to feel their presence within us, and become fed by the stillness found in the center of ourselves. During pratyahara, we connect to our true essence—which is unchanging.

To some, it may sound unfathomable that a series of physical postures or breath meditations could equip one with the tools necessary to move through grief, death and deep emotional pain. But over time, and with regularity, our practice teaches us to surrender to the present moment, no matter what that moment entails—and we learn that letting go is not only possible on our mat, but in all aspects of life.

How has your yoga practice supported you through times of grief and loss?

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5 responses to “Surrendering to Grief and Loss through Yoga”

  1. WithheldName Avatar
    WithheldName

    It has not helped me so far.

    1. Unknown Avatar
      Unknown

      These things take time. One also has to dedicate to want to heal.

  2. Erin Lockard Avatar
    Erin Lockard

    This is great. I am now on my 8th week of doing yoga (almost!) daily since the death of my mother and loss of my younger brother. It has been soothing beyond belief. The anxiety and helplessness of my complicated prolonged grief is beginning to lift and I am starting to feel like my “old self” again. I am a physician who works frequently with patients and families making end-of-life decisions. Bereavement is an area of professional interest. I think a yoga workshop about yoga and grief might be really interesting to conduct!

    1. Ivey DeJesus Avatar
      Ivey DeJesus

      You are right Erin. I hear so many stories of people finding healing for all kinds of conditions and symptoms through yoga. If I think of it in the simplest terms it makes total sense: Yoga is the quieting of the mind, the journeying inward to connect with our purest essence. When we peel away all the “shtuff” we load on to ourselves – angst, anxiety, anger, fear, sorrow, disappointment – we realize that what remains at our core is constant, blissful and joyful. We have to experience life as we are humans, but yoga helps us witness it all, with equanimity. I’ve learned through yoga that it’s ok to grief, to feel that burning pain of losing and missing someone, but I’ve also come to realize that nothing is permanent and so we must let go….we must eventually surrender everything, even our bodies. I wish you much success in your yoga endeavors; I know your patients will benefit from it (as will you!) I’m working on a piece about yoga and healing…look for it in a few weeks! Namaste. Ivey

  3. Vallee Avatar
    Vallee

    Thank you for your thoughts, I have been practising yoga for the past 5 years, mostly seriously, with the occasional period of time unfocused, and these of course are the times I need yoga the most! MY beautiful daughter fought Liver cancer for 4 years, she died 1/4/2010.For lots of years I tried to cry, the only real tears started to come in class with Yoga. The last few years my true softness, sense of joy, love and compassion is re appearing, I have learned the real attitude of gratitude, the release of forgiveness. So much has appeared and become my reality and I know truly it has come thru my practice of Yoga. So, I sincerely thank all the yoga teachers that have shared their knowledge, in practice and words. Namaste,

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About the author
Ivey DeJesus embarked on her yoga journey years ago seeking healing for an achy back. Yoga has cultivated in her an awareness of intelligent movement and alignment, and imbued in her a reverence for the teachings of the Sutras. Ivey holds a B.A. in journalism from the University of Maryland and received her 200-hour yoga teacher certification in 2011. She has completed prison yoga training with James Fox and this year embarked on her yoga therapy certification under the tutelage of Cora Wen. A news journalist by day, Ivey juggles work deadlines with her private and studio yoga classes. She practices yoga daily and is a student of the Sutras. She writes about yoga in her blog [email protected]. She and her husband are empty nesters and live in Pennsylvania. She welcomes feedback from readers. Follow her on Twitter @thepurplemat1.
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